Last Night

Last night I wrote. For the first time in so long I put pen to paper and just wrote. I wrote all the things I’ve wanted to say. I wrote all the hurt, all the anger, all the frustration. I wrote to you about how you’ve torn open the scars of hurts I thought long healed. I wrote about how the smallest part of me, a part I’d always protected and never given to anyone, that part which I gave up to you completely, freely and stupidly was crushed. I wrote about how terrified I was that that little part of me would never heal again. I wrote about the rage at being told I was things that I wasn’t. I wrote my disappointment at your weaknesses, my frustration at my own.

I wrote it all in pen on paper and when the cigarettes were finished and the wine was gone, there it was. In black and white for me to see. It was like seeing what was swirling around inside being flung out into the wind for anyone to catch and inspect.

That scared me. So I tore it up and put it inside again because if I can’t  say these things to you then inside is where it belongs.

There’s so much…

SO much I want to say. So much I feel like I need to write about. I just can’t get the words out or down or straight. It’s driving me a little crazy.

Time Heals Fuck All

When the closest person I had to a brother died, the usual people sent the usual platitudes. There is one that, three years down the line pisses me off to no ends.

Time heals all wounds.

No. It doesn’t. It fucking doesn’t. I may not cry every day. I may not rage at the universe every single day like I did three years ago, but when the pain comes it hurts just as intensely as it did when DJ called and said the words “we lost a friend today”

Actually, at times it hurts even more because that wonderful numbness of disbelief has faded. The initial feeling that this couldn’t be happening and that I’ll just wake up and it would have not happened isn’t there any more like this  buffer protecting me from the fact that he is gone. Forever. There’s nothing dulling the hurt and the anger. And I am angry. I’m so fucking angry he’s gone. The impact that this had had on his family, his friends, on me damnit, makes me so angry.

It may have been 3 years, but all I want, all I wish for is just one more day. One more silly phone call on my birthday. Just one more hug. I don’t think I’ll ever wish less. I don’t think it will ever hurt less.

the obligatory 2011 round up

i’ve been a bad blogger once again so i guess this is as good a way as any to get back into the habit of getting my thoughts out there.

2011. yet another year i’ll be happy to see the arse end of. if you’re looking for a sunshine and moonbeam post, i suggest you click away. now. do it now. still here? ok, well, you were warned.

2011 sucked. there. i said it. i can count on one hand the highlights of my year, while the shit bits seem to be in no short supply.

awesomes:

• Emma. the most wonderful thing to happen this year. the amazing little oops that has been the sole reason i get out of bed most mornings. i can’t believe she’s nearly a year old already. watching her grow from a baby into a little person in the past few months has been the most beautiful experience.
• Shae. i don’t know how to express the pride and gratitude i feel when i talk to my older daughter. pride because she’s mine. my DNA, my blood and she’s freaking awesome. gratitude because so many people have played a part in making her the loving, accepting, loud, chatty, clever, etc,etc,etc child that she is.
• Spending a week in Durban.  i can’t believe i  didn’t get around to blogging about my trip. i’m So glad i got to spend the time there and have my girls in one place. time away has been good for me. it seems even my stormy relationship with my parents has started to heal.  it also made me realise that i don’t belong in jozi and i am determined to get home within the year.
• Furries. my furry family recently grew by 6!! Penny, the little slapper, has had a litter of 5 (FIVE!!) kittens and they are gorgeous. i can’t keep them, of course (ok, maybe i’ll keep one) but having them around it just overwhelmingly cute! then of course there’s Muttley. He’s about the stupidest dog i’ve ever met, but so loving, patient and plain awesome that he’s found a very special place in my heart in the only 2 something weeks he’s been part of the family.
• people. not many of them, but i’ll get to that in the not so awesomes. there are still people in my life tho that will babysit me via whatsapp when i’m having a nervous breakdown; let me sleep on their couch for way longer than polite and just listen to my (probably monotonous by now) whining. and of course there’s my newly discovered twin sister. there with hugs when i need, but also the cold hard bitchslap of reality when i need it, which i do so very often.
• you. i can’t put you in the negative section despite what happened in recent weeks. you, in 2 short months showed me what normal love is like. you made me think about God. you made me listen to the music again. you showed me the wide open spaces and taught me how to love them. you may have shattered my peace, heart and mind but i could never count you amongst the negatives of the year.

not-so-awesomes:

(i’ll try keep this short)

• heartbreak. twice in a year is too much for a girl to handle. i hope i’ve learned now. i hope that i’ll be more guarded in future. i hope i’ll be more gentle with other’s hearts now that i know the feeling.i never want to feel that cold feeling when you hear the words “it’s over” again. i didn’t understand that heartbreak could actually be a physical pain before. now i do. i’m still not ok but i will be.
• moving. 3 houses in a year. enough now. seriously. i’m sick of packing and unpacking. if i didn’t have a nanny doing it for me, i’d just live out of boxes so that when i move again i don’t have to pack up.
• people. BIG fucking negative. people just plain suck. true, i haven’t exactly been the least sucky of people, but my nerves people can be cruel.
• money. nuff said.
• depression. i have had enough of being moody and crazy and medicated and all that shit. i just want to be better. i want the panic attacks to just stop now. please. please?
• cancer. fuck it. love to a special person who is fighting it. and fuck cancer. seriously.

i know the negatives seem like less than the positives, but this year they just seem to have been crushing. i’ve given up hoping that “next year HAS to be better” now. i just want 2012 to be peaceful and calm.

 

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A small peeve

Before I start, I’ll admit straight up. I am a smoker (shock horror gasp judge, yes, I know)

I don’t really care what you all think of this Dear Audience, but some of this post has to do with smoking, so before there are any pot calling the kettle black remarks, I thought I’d clear something up:

Yes, I smoke. No, I do not smoke inside my house or car or anywhere near my kids. Got it? Good.

So here’s my peeve. It’s not even a small peeve, it’s actually a rather large one.

Dear Man in the Red 4×4

Firstly, besides it being disgusting, it’s actually illegal to smoke with a child under the age of 16 in the car with you, regardless of whether the window is down or not.

Secondly, not strapping your very cute, very young child up in a proper car seat is stupid. I don’t care if you’re only driving around the corner or not. Put a seatbelt on the kid.

Now doing one of the two things above alone would be unbelievably stupid and irresponsible, but the fact that you were smoking, while driving with your young child on your lap makes you a doubly stupid asshole.  I hope for your kid’s sake that your arrogance in the belief that nothing will happen while you’re driving is founded in truth.

You, sir, are a moron.

Making the blender work for a living…

K2′s been on solids for ages now and one thing that’s always bothered me is how completely shyte the veggie food jars taste.  I make a point of tasting everything she eats and the veggie baby food in particular is really revolting!

Now when K1 was a little younger than K2 is now i was all full of earth mommy fire and determined to make her lovingly prepared fresh food and breastfeed her forever and all the associated blah blah’s which i fast found out that while it may work for some just didn’t make sense for us.  That, and the fact that the first time i tried to give my first born angel some butternut i’d cooked for her, it was sent back in my direction at warp speed, made me fine with the idea of K2 being a Purity baby.  That and not having my own kitchen to use for the last couple of months that is.

Point of the matter though is that Purity and (even more so) the other, organic, baby foods are damn expensive.  K2 has a much healthier appetite than K1 ever did. K1 is still quite take it or leave it about food, while K2 gets very pissed off if you don’t shovel the food in fast enough. So pre prepared baby food has starting to cost me a bloody fortune.

I decided to give this do it myself thing another try.  Maybe with K2 being more into her food than K1 was means she’ll be more likely to eat Mommy’s dodgy cooking. Besides, if she doesn’t like it, the food will be spat at my (absolutely fantastic) new nanny A, not me, so let her deal with it, right

So on Sunday I dragged Scotty around Fruit and Veg City for ages trying to decide what to buy and decided on butternut, potato, baby marrows, carrots, peas, gemsquash and chicken.

Once K2 was asleep, the chopping, peeling and boiling began! I was a little bit naughty and roasted the chicken instead of boiling it, but the smell of boiled chicken is so gross! I wish i’d taken photos of everything as we were busy, but eventually we had 3 dinner plates heaped high with puréed everything! i dont have a proper blender, just one of those stick thingies, and oh boy did it work overtime getting everything done.  i didn’t make it too smooth and mushy because most of the websites that i found said that at 9 months, K2 should be having lumps in her food now so that her jaw and chewing actions can develop properly.

I was quite pleased with everything we got done in one evening, because at the end of it, we had 20 little meals all ziplock bagged and ready to go, for half the price of what Purity would have cost. Ok, so it would have been easier to just go out and buy purity, but at least this way i know exactly what she’s getting and (according to Scotty) it tasted pretty damn awesome

Today is the first day i’ve left the home made food for her lunch, so we’ll see how Nanny A says it went and hopefully it was a success!

Now i need ideas on what else i can give her to change it up a bit… and what should i avoid?

The first step is admitting you have a problem…

Hi I’m Megan and I’m an addict.

I’ve started pinning and I just can’t stop!

When I first heard of Pinterest, I knew this would happen. I knew that i had to try to resist. I knew that just “going to have a look and see what it’s about” would end this way.

And it did. I’ve fallen into Pinterest and I can’t get out!

I have a couple of main obsessions when it comes to Pinterest.  One is food. I have a massive board full of recipes that I’m just *dying* to try, everything from jalepeno poppers to cake pops to jello shots!

Another one is weddings. I know, strange right, given how I’m not exactly going to be dragging  Scotty down the aisle any time soon, but I could spend HOURS looking at dresses and rings and decor and and and… Lets just say that when i do get hitched, there won’t be that much planning to do if I carry on like this!!

And then of course there’s the kiddie clothes, party ideas, fun sayings and graphics, tattoo ideas (i’ve found LOADS of gorgeous ink!) and pretty much anything you can imagine!

It’s like getting a new magazine every single morning, without the annoying adverts or boring articles about afrikaans singers!

(This post is dedicated to Arkwife and Angel, fellow addicts)

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A More Coherent Post on Excitement

A couple of months ago i blogged about how i was determined never to miss Shae’s birthday again.  Her 5th birthday was fast approaching and thanks to a very kind benefactor i was able to book flights to Durban for myself and Emma. I’m not going to lie, there were a few anxious moments because i was told that i had slim to no chance of getting the 4 days leave i wanted, but my awesome boss came through and approved it without so much as a second thought! Yayness.

I can’t even start to explain how excited i am. I haven’t seen Shae since Christmas. I haven’t been to Durban since the second week we moved to Joburg. This will be the first time i can hug both of my daughters at the same time.  I can’t wait to take a million photos of them together… take this as a warning that you’ll probably get completely sick of me twitpic’ing happy snaps of my girls

And of course now i get to plan a party!! i LOVE kiddies parties, so, of course, i’ve been hitting pinterest BIG TIME for inspiration and lets just say, if you don’t want your kid on a serious sugar high, maybe you should decline the invite i’ve found how to’s for cake pops, cupcake kebabs, oreo lollies and a billion other things that are making my mom raise her eyebrows and wish i wasn’t using her kitchen to cook. i’m even thinking of attempting a rainbow cake!

Another piece of awesome is going to be seeing all my wonderful durban friendlies that i haven’t seen in forever.  with the exception of Cliff, i haven’t seen a single durban friend since i moved! I don’t know how i’m going to fit everything into the 6 days i’m there, but i’m determined to see EVERYONE! I think a picnic at Bot Gardens may be in order, that way we will have space for kids to run around while i catch up on 18 months of missed news!

Anyhoodle, Dear Audience, that’s my biggest news of right now, my week in Durban.. i really don’t have words to express how much i want the next week and a bit to fly by so i can get back to 031 for a while!