As you can see, this was not a very productive weekend and even though i spent most of it in bed… i’m still bloody exhausted!!
when you go looking for something incriminating, you’ll probably find some way to make something innocent look incredibly incriminating and that will just result in stupidity and leaping to conclusions…
So it has been decided… My big New Year’s Eve off…
We’ll be going to Richard’s hometown to spend it with his family.
In Dundee.
Dundee is a lil farming town about 3 hours out of Durban and from the sounds of it, mostly populated by people who will be wanting to meet me.
eep.
But still. i’m sure it’ll be fun. right?
Gods, i hope there’s a bottle store in Dundee.
Right. Before i get to the weekend round up, i thought i’d have a lil fun, so here’s my “in an ideal world” christmas wish list…:
Blackberry Storm
For no particular reason other than it’ pretty. That or the iphone. whichever. I’m not fussy…
ipod nano
The lime green one please 
Macbook Pro
Isn’t it beautiful. I have always had Macbook lust.
Skullcandy Headphones
C’mon. Who wouldn’t want a pair!!
Breaking Benjamin – Dear Agony
Can you believe i STILL haven’t heard this?!? I’m a failed fan, i know. someone buy it for me?
Iron Fist Heels
Doesn’t have to be these ones in particular (although they’re BEAUTIFUL!), but just any IF heels. I have the lust.
Iron Fist Hoodie
Just cos i love it, ok?
Terry Pratchett – Unseen Academicals
I LOVE Terry Pratchett and have been dying to read his latest Discworld novel.
This is a post I never thought I’d write. The truth is, I’m still ashamed that I allowed what happened happen. I looked down at women who were weak and allowed men to get a hold over them. I was one of those people who thought “well, if it’s so bad, just walk out.”
Until that weak woman was me.
Until a man that swore he loved me nearly broke me.
He was one of my best friends. Friend of my boyfriend, always around, always an ear or a shoulder to cry on. I felt sorry for him because of his screwed up family life.
When I split with my then boyfriend, he was quick to move in as a new protector/main bloke in my life. He showered me with love and devotion and promises of a wonderful life.
I was 19, and I believed every word he said.
I should have known from the begining. I should have fucking seen the signs. The day I called one of my female friends “babe” and he flew into a jealous rage, I should have known. But I thought myself in love and didn’t want to hurt this broken man anymore, so I did as he asked.
I guess it was because things got worse so gradually that I didn’t notice how bad they were.
It was a little manipulation here, a tweaked story about a friend there and a well placed tear every now and then and suddenly my life and world revolved around the tiny one bedroom flat in Malvern which we shared with his mother and sister.
I wasn’t allowed to go home to my family because spending a night away from him would mean that I didn’t love him anymore.
I wasn’t allowed to hug anyone but him because that would mean that I wanted to be with someone else.
I wasn’t allowed to go to work alone because I may flirt with a customer.
I wasn’t allowed to refuse sex in all and any form because that would mean I didn’t love him.
He became obsessed with getting me pregnant and even went as far as telling his family and friends that I was. If I went against him and told anyone I wasn’t, hell would reign down. He had words that would tear the skin off my body when he was angry.
I wasn’t in love anymore. I was terrified.
And then came the final nail in the coffin. Throughout our relationship, he branded himself as some kind of knight in shining armour because he had managed to keep me away from the cocaine of which I was so fond. Then one night when I’d been paid for a job he said the little words that would warp my life for another 6 months.
“Want to buy some rock?”
Yup. Rock. And after the first hit off the pipe and I drifted away, I knew I’d found my saviour.
I wasn’t allowed friends, I wasn’t allowed privacy, I wasn’t allowed a career and I wasn’t allowed to see my family, but I had found my bright spot in the day. I stole from my family, I stole from my work and he pawned almost everything I owned, but I had my safe place to disappear to.
Even when we got into arguments, and we did, huge screaming matches, and he hit me, and I heard my ribs break, it didn’t seem as bad because I had my painkiller.
Then my angels arrived. I was kidnapped by two people who have since left my life, but at the time were very special to me. They took me away and hid me until I was strong enough and sober enough to tell him what I’d wanted to tell him from almost the very start:
“Get out of my life and don’t come back”
And with that I left him and his family with the remainder of my possessions and started picking up the pieces.
I had to rebuild my life, my career, my friendships, myself.
And it’s a work in progress. But I’ll get there.
I may not be a survivor yet. But I will be.
Ok, I’m going to hop onto the American bandwagon here and tell you all about things i’m grateful for, seeing as today is Thanksgiving.
Shae
My own personal Hurricane, who has taught me more about love, life and myself in 3 years than i’ve learnt in the 23 that went before her. She’s made me slow down and enjoy life more. Sometimes you just have to be late for work so you can finish reading The Fox in Socks. The way she says “Hello mommy” with such a smile in her voice every time she sees me makes my heart glow more than anything on this earth. Even though parenting was something I never saw myself doing, I would never choose any different for myself and I’m so thankful that I am a mother and that i have such a beautiful child.
Richard
I had almost come to terms with being single. Being a single mom career woman. I was pretty much married to my job before i met Richard. He showed me that something i’d always secretly hoped was true, was actually true. That i could fall in love and that it’s ok to let go and just fall.He’s taught me that devoting myself to someone isn’t weak or silly. He’s taught me that being half of a couple doesn’t mean being less of an individual. He’s shown me how to release absolute control of the job i was obsessed with. He’s teaching me how to care less about things i can’t change.
Most of all, i am thankful that i have found the man i will be with forever.
Jordan
This little boy has stolen my heart. He’s made me remember all the amazing things that come with having a little person discovering the world for the first time. Watching him grow and being allowed into his life is one of the biggest blessings i’ve received this year. It’s been a while since Shae was a tiny baby and i’d forgotten how heartwarming it is to lie on the playmat watching a baby. or having a baby fall asleep in your arms.
So this year, on the day of a festival i don’t celebrate, i guess what i’m saying is that what i’m most grateful for is my new family. one that i didn’t look for, or dare to hope for, but one that i wouldn’t trade for anything.
i hope that richard has forgotten i have this blog, cos if he reads this, i’ll never live it down.
see, when he and i met, i was adamant. i’m a rock n roll chick. jack daniels, doc martens and fender stratocasters all the the way right?
and he’s a dj. a hard house dj. so i ripped him off and called his music shit. actaully, i didn’t consider it music at all. it’s all just doef doef doef mindless drivel. we all know that.
but.
now i’m not saying i’ll listen to the stuff when i’m hanging around the house r that i’m deserting my rock and metal upbringing,
but
maybe just maybe
*cringe*
this house music isn’t as terrible as i first thought…
there. i said it.
now shuddup and mail me glowsticks.
All I have to say is that it really does suck not being your real mom. I hate having to step back and let your birth mother go first just because i’m only your Dad’s fiance. I love you like my own.
xxx
I was hoping for a nice relaxing weekend given the madness of the week and that next weekend is my weekend off, which means it’ll be all fall down… lots. but hey, audience of 4, you know me. a quiet weekend? not gonna happen…
oh… and i’m lazy today, so we’re back to the lists 
