the obligatory 2011 round up

i’ve been a bad blogger once again so i guess this is as good a way as any to get back into the habit of getting my thoughts out there.

2011. yet another year i’ll be happy to see the arse end of. if you’re looking for a sunshine and moonbeam post, i suggest you click away. now. do it now. still here? ok, well, you were warned.

2011 sucked. there. i said it. i can count on one hand the highlights of my year, while the shit bits seem to be in no short supply.

awesomes:

• Emma. the most wonderful thing to happen this year. the amazing little oops that has been the sole reason i get out of bed most mornings. i can’t believe she’s nearly a year old already. watching her grow from a baby into a little person in the past few months has been the most beautiful experience.
• Shae. i don’t know how to express the pride and gratitude i feel when i talk to my older daughter. pride because she’s mine. my DNA, my blood and she’s freaking awesome. gratitude because so many people have played a part in making her the loving, accepting, loud, chatty, clever, etc,etc,etc child that she is.
• Spending a week in Durban.  i can’t believe i  didn’t get around to blogging about my trip. i’m So glad i got to spend the time there and have my girls in one place. time away has been good for me. it seems even my stormy relationship with my parents has started to heal.  it also made me realise that i don’t belong in jozi and i am determined to get home within the year.
• Furries. my furry family recently grew by 6!! Penny, the little slapper, has had a litter of 5 (FIVE!!) kittens and they are gorgeous. i can’t keep them, of course (ok, maybe i’ll keep one) but having them around it just overwhelmingly cute! then of course there’s Muttley. He’s about the stupidest dog i’ve ever met, but so loving, patient and plain awesome that he’s found a very special place in my heart in the only 2 something weeks he’s been part of the family.
• people. not many of them, but i’ll get to that in the not so awesomes. there are still people in my life tho that will babysit me via whatsapp when i’m having a nervous breakdown; let me sleep on their couch for way longer than polite and just listen to my (probably monotonous by now) whining. and of course there’s my newly discovered twin sister. there with hugs when i need, but also the cold hard bitchslap of reality when i need it, which i do so very often.
• you. i can’t put you in the negative section despite what happened in recent weeks. you, in 2 short months showed me what normal love is like. you made me think about God. you made me listen to the music again. you showed me the wide open spaces and taught me how to love them. you may have shattered my peace, heart and mind but i could never count you amongst the negatives of the year.

not-so-awesomes:

(i’ll try keep this short)

• heartbreak. twice in a year is too much for a girl to handle. i hope i’ve learned now. i hope that i’ll be more guarded in future. i hope i’ll be more gentle with other’s hearts now that i know the feeling.i never want to feel that cold feeling when you hear the words “it’s over” again. i didn’t understand that heartbreak could actually be a physical pain before. now i do. i’m still not ok but i will be.
• moving. 3 houses in a year. enough now. seriously. i’m sick of packing and unpacking. if i didn’t have a nanny doing it for me, i’d just live out of boxes so that when i move again i don’t have to pack up.
• people. BIG fucking negative. people just plain suck. true, i haven’t exactly been the least sucky of people, but my nerves people can be cruel.
• money. nuff said.
• depression. i have had enough of being moody and crazy and medicated and all that shit. i just want to be better. i want the panic attacks to just stop now. please. please?
• cancer. fuck it. love to a special person who is fighting it. and fuck cancer. seriously.

i know the negatives seem like less than the positives, but this year they just seem to have been crushing. i’ve given up hoping that “next year HAS to be better” now. i just want 2012 to be peaceful and calm.